Confessions of a Tart

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

I brushed my teeth that morning with a soldier, and went to bed with a salesman. Are you happy? Are you? Yes I think I am. Sweet sixteen and never been kissed, they don't kiss me ma. Seventeen and he kisses me, throughout the duration unto ourselves formed a nation. Beneath god and a blanket, because I haven't forgotten to be shy. Modern, modest, monogamous. One out of three isn't the worst, it could be better. No I didn't, but really I rarely do. She is the earth and he is the moon and I am the sun and I don't not like to be ignored and I am readytoburst, no I didn't but really I was very close.

posted by virole # 11:36 PM

I am going to try to revive this thing, see how long this lasts. Last time I wrote was September. A pepperspray, a date rape, a new job, and college acceptance later, here I am. 2004 is turning out to be swell. So I have been playing phone tag with Jon, I love generic names. I don't get it, he calls me to talk, talk, why does he want to talk to me, is redefining his presence worth a conversation. This is foreign territory for befriending people I have slept with and I am very confused! anywho, him aside. College, last time I wrote in here all I could think about was escaping and here I am 3 months until take off. I thought I'd be scared or thrilled or something I have heard I am supposed to feel, all it is is guilt. It's the kind of feeling that you know very well is irrational yet weighs down just as hard. I don't know why I am allowed to jump ship, why I am allowed to leave, I feel like I need to stick it out with the family, play codependent for a little while longer, I feel like I owe them that. But I have to do what I have to do. In 3 months I will be in Seattle. And I don't think I can ever come home.

posted by virole # 11:31 PM

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Coming down from tweak, try everything once right.. smoked out of a lightbulb with a gay man named x, a kindrid of mine, a love, we listened to showtunes and smoked and giggled and wished he wasnt leaving tomorrow because we had just met, i read his poetry, i sang him my songs, he wrote and sealed love letters and slid them in my direction. 8 am crept upon us and we ran around town, he packed his things, i read his gay magazines, after the meth ran out we went to starbuck latte after latte, hazulnut for him, vanilla for me, after the money drained we went to energy pills he had stashed away, we are going to revive the long lost art of snail mail. Why are he only dates worth remembering are with gaymen or best friends or a cigarette in the rain...try everything once, ay?

posted by virole # 12:52 AM

Friday, September 19, 2003

My mother signed me up for dance classes, a little late to start ballet ma. She didn't even check my schedule first. But it dawned on me to take a chance and try listening to her for once so today i trudged forth into the scary unknown in an attempt to pick up a foreign skill, "it will help with my acting" i persuade myself. I walk in and there are two other girls, ones an actress, none of know what the hell they are doing, which was undeniably comforting. And as our british master sized us up for tights i learned that leotards are no ones friend and my feet look awfully cute in ballet shoes. Hours go by as i tell myself to concentrate on the lesson and not how my ass looks in the skin tight gear but to very little avail. It is ballet/modern jazz. As the session closed and a throng of snotty twelve year olds rushed in to scoff at our remedial level i pulled on my grey jacket and black pants to cover a shame i have of starting to late and trying to dress the part.

posted by virole # 12:03 AM

Monday, September 08, 2003

I like to wear my sunglasses in the morning when the light is still soft and they are quite obsolete except for blocking the smoke from my eyes. Peppermint tea and cigarettes and planning my escape, planning planning.

posted by virole # 6:52 AM

I am oh so very stressed. I got written up at work today, and the way this year has been going i feel an impending doom on the status of my job. 2003 is the worst year I have seen, nothing seems to have gone right, at least it's almost over. I feel so empty lately, oh you know you're doing bad when a cliche can sum it all up.

posted by virole # 12:12 AM

Saturday, September 06, 2003

I adore him, his half smile, his green eyes, the way he calls me on being fake, his pretentious swagger, how he told me he loved the way i smelled like an ashtray, Im glad he gets the beauty of it, taurus '85, a bad model, but i love making stupid choices, perhaps i'm just having withdrawals.

posted by virole # 12:20 AM

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Like candy

My boss,who shall be officially dubbed "Guido", called me last night he was very drunk, he told that if i was in the mood to come over and lick his ear i was more than welcome. I of course, non chalantly denied this invitation, although i will admit the tempation was more than it should have been. I told him i would grace him with my prescence so i began my traditional sneak out ritual. I dressed by the moonlight in my finist attire as the taste of my boss swam through my head. Alas it was a failed attempt, one way or another, and icalmed my nerves in a hot bath of peppermint soap, nothing subsides a hunger like peppermint soap.

posted by virole # 7:11 AM

May the circle be unbroken

Think of me as Vi. First post, life story, how about this? I was born from a dually scarred triple strained womb, but i was born. Bottle fed on bar food, raised in a wasteland. I am clumsy and have wide eyes. At 14 I realized i was an actress. At 15 I sacrificed myself at the feet of a tall man. At 16 I paid for it. I work at a corporate bookstore that sells overpriced coffee, but the atmosphere ain't bad. I listen to everything from showtunes to woody guthrie. I am 16 years old, a nameless man called me a tart once and then he kissed my hand, its just the simplist way to define me i suppose if defining me is your purpose.

posted by virole # 2:47 AM